Tonight as I laid in bed trying to stop the zillion thoughts and tasks flowing through my mind pushing me to the point of anxiety attack I hear Charlotte start to cry.
This child, who refuses to sleep through the night and continues to surprise us with the times she calls out, can be the cause of many additional stresses in the late night hours.
As I begin to rock her the full on anxiety attack hits- when will Cece finally start sleeping through the night, will Madison ever start listening again, are all my work projects in line, deadlines of personal and work projects start flashing through my mind, medical bills flash like stars in the back of my eye lids. As I start to really wonder if my surplus of anxiety attacks lately have been caused by my new thyroid medication or is it all a part of this roller coaster we call motherhood, it happens!
I look down and for the first time in 8 months my almost 10 month old has fallen peacefully asleep as I sit there rocking. She isn't nursing, crying or fighting me, she is peacefully sleeping and the world stops around me. I can think clearly once more and I start to cry.
I've often told Brent that one of the hardest things for me as Charlotte's mom is the fact she will not let me rock her. Ever!
With Madison, we rocked every night and it was a joyous moment of bonding for us both. As a full time working mom I need those peaceful evening moments with my children. And although I understand every child's needs are different and I have found alternative special moments with Cece tonight was exactly what I needed. My head quit spinning and those things that seemed so life and death before melted away, because I know that the next time I go to soothe Cece she will most likely not let me rock her again.
At that exact moment I realized that although kids are supposed to make us parents crazy (and sometimes they do) it is in fact my girls that keeps me completely sane and make me 100% the person I want to be.
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